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I am single. I always have been.
Does that mean I’m unloved? Does that mean I’m unsuccessful in some way? Does it mean I’m a failure or that I’m somehow less human? Am I abnormal? Is something wrong with me?
Lots of my friends are in relationships. Some seem to jump from one to another like they’re trying on a different set of clothes. Others have been with their partners for years, and don’t look like they’ll ever change. Others go through relationship breakdowns and it’s not pretty. Relationships become a huge part of who people are. For me, being single is a fairly big part of my life. It doesn’t form my identity though.
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The experience of being single can be pretty miserable at times. Your friends have someone to call and talk to and be with. Meanwhile, you’re there scrolling through films to watch on the internet. You see couples going for walks together and having a great time. You’re there listening to music or reading a book. You can feel really alone, sad or even empty.
I struggle with this sometimes. It’s difficult if you want to talk through an issue with somebody, or just talk about how tough your day’s been. Unless you have a really good support network of friends it is easily to feel out on a limb without help.
Sometimes church relationships just don’t cut it in the same way, either. You’re so focused on ‘doing church’ that you leave out the important supportive relationships you can build there. Seeing happy couples who are in love with the Lord and with each other at a worship service or a fellowship lunch just helps drive the loneliness knife even deeper.
I guess it’s ok to be lonely when you’re single. It’s natural. God didn’t make us to be alone. Regardless of our relationship status, we are called to be in a relationship with him. That’s part of the great Gospel story: God became one of us so we could be in a relationship with him.
When Jesus became human, it wasn’t so He could be aloof from us. He became one of us to draw us to Himself. He spent lots of time alone. He was abandoned in a lot of His friendships and relationships. His family thought He was mad and tried to keep Him from what He was called to do. The night before He was crucified, the time in His life when if He had ever needed support it was then, all His friends abandoned Him. One of His closest friends even denied that he knew Him.
After all that, in the middle of excruciating pain, Jesus felt the abandonment and loneliness of having His Father turn away His face. Jesus gets it when we feel lonely. He understands the pain and sorry. It’s one of the reasons why He has promised never to leave us or to abandon us.
For me, there are a number of reasons why I have never been in a relationship. I don’t think I have ever met the right person. (Or if I have, it hasn’t been the right time.) I’m in no rush. There are plenty of other things for me to be getting on with. My singleness means I am free to attend a Bible study, to support my local church and to go and visit friends and family without feeling like I’m leaving someone out. Sure, it would be nice to have someone to share all these experiences with sometimes, but what God has called me to for now is more than just feeling lonely and sorry for myself. He’s given me good stuff to be getting on with, and he’s given me a great satisfaction that comes from doing his will and from following him as he leads me.
The important thing has always been being sure of my identity and knowing who it is that God has called me to be. Jesus became human, put himself through all the trouble of being part of a human family and of falling out with his friends and then (on top of all the problems that come with being human) he gave up his life for me. If I always felt the need to be ‘in a relationship’, then I think I would be missing something.
My worth is not based in my relationship status, but it is rooted in being loved. Singleness is not my identity, but it is where I’m at right now, and that’s ok. God loves me regardless, and that’s more than enough for me.
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Interview
Deeper: The Backstory
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You seem to link identity with relationship status. How important are these two things?
Both are hugely important. We are relational beings and are always (perceive ourselves?) in relation to something: the floor beneath us, the people we work with, our family of origin, the God who made us, etc. (Whether it is a good relationship or a mutual one is beside the point.) Who we are is not so fixed. I find my identity is most stable in its relation to Jesus. Other people might try and find that in popular culture or in celebrity fashions or in books. I think identity has to be linked to personhood, and to find our true selves we have to believe in something bigger. Jesus is a true identity, and a real person who wants relationship with us. To me, that is one of the most incredible things imaginable.
Do you think there are any good examples of singlehood (or of being in a relationship) in the Bible?
Joseph and Mary’s relationship is an incredible story. Imagine having the pressure of bringing up the Son of God! At every point, they followed God’s leading and things turned out ok in the end. Jesus was single. I guess enough said on that front.
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Interview
Deeper: The Backstory
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You seem to link identity with relationship status. How important are these two things?
Both are hugely important. We are relational beings and are always (perceive ourselves?) in relation to something: the floor beneath us, the people we work with, our family of origin, the God who made us, etc. (Whether it is a good relationship or a mutual one is beside the point.) Who we are is not so fixed. I find my identity is most stable in its relation to Jesus. Other people might try and find that in popular culture or in celebrity fashions or in books. I think identity has to be linked to personhood, and to find our true selves we have to believe in something bigger. Jesus is a true identity, and a real person who wants relationship with us. To me, that is one of the most incredible things imaginable.
Do you think there are any good examples of singlehood (or of being in a relationship) in the Bible?
Joseph and Mary’s relationship is an incredible story. Imagine having the pressure of bringing up the Son of God! At every point, they followed God’s leading and things turned out ok in the end. Jesus was single. I guess enough said on that front.
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