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My relationship with my family has been pretty good. Not perfect, but alright. My parents are still together and the rest of the family are fairly reasonable. Their stability has meant that I have had boundaries and reliable-ness in my life.
They are not perfect, though. It would be a mistake to think that anyone’s parents are. They have their strange habits and they make their mistakes, too. Take, for example, their expectations of me.
I was one of those children that everyone knew. I was loud and outgoing. I made friends with everyone. I learned quickly and I learned a lot. I was quick. I was a character. I showed promise.
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This meant that there were high expectations of me. Fair enough. ‘From him to whom much is given much shall be expected’ and all that. I was destined to be a lawyer or a politician or a preacher or something noble. I would make a difference in the world. I was great. I would be a force for good.
As you can imagine, this didn’t help with my ego. I was proud and self-confident to the point of being obnoxious. I did well at pretty much everything I put my hand to, and I did a lot. My social circle recognised me as outstanding. I was abnormal. I was brilliant.
That all changed when I moved out, away from home. Everything I thought I was good at was challenged. Everything I thought was me was no longer there. I went through a breakdown, and I changed dramatically. I was unrecognisable. I was down-and-out and not successful. I was a failure.
All of that was a tough pill to swallow. I went from knowing who I was and where I was going to not knowing anything at all. Any sense of certainty I had was lost. I ended up having to move back in with my parents.
That was stressful. Everything I thought I knew about them was challenged as we tried to readjust. I had to reassert my boundaries as they tried to come to terms with the fact that their child was not measuring up to their expectations. I think that was a lot harder than they let on.
Over the next few months there were lots of confrontations and misunderstandings. I didn’t get on with them the whole time and I often tried to avoid them. They were very patient with me while I worked out who I was and what I was meant to be doing in the world.
When I finally did find my feet again, my parents were pleased with my progress. They had mellowed. They had grown to know who I was a little bit better, and I understood better that they were just human. At the end of the day, we all make mistakes. My relationship with them still isn’t perfect, but I made a conscious effort to forgive them their mistakes and their doubt in my decisions. (They had to dish out quite a lot of forgiveness my way as well!) In the end, we learned to accommodate each other and I’m very grateful to have them.
Parents are funny people. They try very hard to do what’s best for you without always knowing what that is. For me, I have come to appreciate more and more how God is an Actually Good Father. He doesn’t just try: He succeeds. He finishes what He starts and doesn’t start something He can’t complete. Forgiving my parents for where they’ve fallen short and realising where I’ve messed up as well has been a big part of growing up. I’m not there yet, but I am grateful for my parents and for what they’ve sacrificed for me.
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Interview
Deeper: The Backstory
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Q. What made you realise that your relationship with your parents was normal?
A. I think everyone struggles with their parents. Even Jesus was left behind by Mary and Joseph – imagine the stress of bringing up someone you knew to be the Son of God! I think they will have tested each other’s patience at times. We’re all a little bit more normal than we like to think. Our situations aren’t that unique.
Q. How do you think honouring your parents work today?
A. That’s a tricky one. I suppose the important thing is to get close enough to God to know what He is saying. The rest falls into place – somehow!
Q. Do you have any advice for True Story readers?
A. Be the change that you want to see. If your parents aren’t spending enough time with you, give up a night at the cinema to spend time with them. Do things that they enjoy doing with them, even if it seems boring. Dying to your own desires a little bit won’t hurt too much in the long run. It’s much easier to invest in a difficult relationship than it is to fix a broken one. Also, be patient! Your parents are human and they need forgiveness every bit as much as you do.
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Interview
Deeper: The Backstory
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Q. What made you realise that your relationship with your parents was normal?
A. I think everyone struggles with their parents. Even Jesus was left behind by Mary and Joseph – imagine the stress of bringing up someone you knew to be the Son of God! I think they will have tested each other’s patience at times. We’re all a little bit more normal than we like to think. Our situations aren’t that unique.
Q. How do you think honouring your parents works today?
A. That’s a tricky one. I suppose the important thing is to get close enough to God to know what He is saying. The rest falls into place – somehow!
Q. Do you have any advice for True Story readers?
A. Be the change that you want to see. If your parents aren’t spending enough time with you, give up a night at the cinema to spend time with them. Do things that they enjoy doing with them, even if it seems boring. Dying to your own desires a little bit won’t hurt too much in the long run. It’s much easier to invest in a difficult relationship than it is to fix a broken one. Also, be patient! Your parents are human and they need forgiveness every bit as much as you do.
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