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The greatest of all pressure I face is from myself. The things people don’t see – those expectations I set for only myself to know if I hit or miss. I’m left with a paradox: these expectations are sometimes the most crippling, yet other times the most rewarding.
Expectations play a huge part in my workplace. I believe that when I walk through the doors to work there are people expecting my attitude, character and lifestyle to be completely flawless. Whether or not this is true – I don’t know. What I do know is that have used the expectations I set myself and imposed them upon other people.
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In contrast it’s so easy for me to focus on the outward expressions of others and to allow them to shape the expectations I make for myself. The problem is that it makes it impossible for me to live authentically at all! Let alone, authentically for God! Someone once told me that “We judge our insides by everyone else’s outsides” – and this rings true. It can have strong effects that we don’t realise. Take Instagram for example. How often do I look at the lives my friends are living and catch myself thinking “…well my life obviously isn’t as good as theirs…”, Or more worryingly “…what did I do wrong that they deserve so much fun and good looks and I don’t…’ The problem with that mindset is how little I know of other people’s self-expectations.
One of the hardest things is setting standards for myself that I think will be impressive to keep; but knowing that ultimately the onlooking world won’t know any different if I keep them or not. This comes in many forms: the failure of knowing I’ve had a bad day and not coped with drinking, or the ‘feel good factor’ of struggling through a day and ending with a prayer walk. This is simultaneously the most frustrating and rewarding of paradoxes.
So how do I manage my expectations? There’s a tension between good discipline and ‘just appearing’ like my life is authentic. Thankfully, I have a standard outlined by scripture, that is my support system. I grow into it, I change gradually; I conform in one thing at a time. Having this mould allows me, in such a clear way, to know what expectations I should set myself. Over time these expectations from Scripture change the way I naturally put pressure on my own character and lifestyle. That takes a lot of pressure off me.
To know that I have Christians around me with the same standard gives me confidence because I know that they know what I’m expected to be and do. If all we do is set unrealistic self-expectations, we will either constantly be having small victories we cannot delight in, or great disappointments that we cannot share. I guess the difference in living authentically for God in this world and just living by what we see on the outside is the vulnerableness that Christian fellowship brings. “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfil the law of Christ.”- Galatians 6:2.
I fail my own expectations daily. I’ve struggled with trying to fill the outward expectations by neglecting the work on my character. I’ve gone home after a long day at the end of a long week and drank myself sick. I’ve turned quite willingly to company that has demolished physical boundaries. I’ve fallen at every hurdle, but the standards don’t slip. But the expectations I set myself don’t diminish after just one slip. To admit I’ve failed only highlights the areas where I can grow. The areas that God will show mercy on me again and again. Without those failures, I deceive myself. To lower the pressure I place on myself for authentic living would be to lesser the reality that it is worth working for. I see it as part of my duty as a Jesus follower to break the cycle and the culture of hiding shame, “for when I am weak, then am I strong.”
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Interview
Deeper: The Backstory
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You talked about having a ‘standard outlined by scripture’ – could you explain that further?
Yes! Scripture provides us with a standard. It says that we should be constantly conforming to become more ‘holy’ and like Jesus. In 1 Peter 1:15-17 it says “But just as He who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do, for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.” Since you call on a Father who judges each man’s work impartially, live your lives in reverent fear during your temporary stay on earth.…”. That’s the standard I’m talking about.
Isn’t conforming a bad thing?
Its important to realise that ‘conformity’ has acquired so many negative connotations.
However, the difference now is that we are no longer conforming to the expectations we set ourselves, but instead to those that are found in Scripture. If we are conforming to how the Bible teaches us to live then we are living in the way that God has created us to live. Thats a great thing!
Holiness is a really high standard… surely that’s even more pressure right?
I get what you mean, but don’t think so. Christianity isn’t a tick box exercise, it’s about a relationship with God. God calls us to be holy because then we can savour and enjoy the relationship more. But God is also so forgiving and covers us with his grace and mercy – he makes up for where our ‘holiness’ is lacking. Jesus is the one who is my holiness, I’m just claiming that as his child. The pressure is to be closer to him, not to act out the “perfect life”.
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Interview
Deeper: The Backstory
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You talked about having a ‘standard outlined by scripture’ – could you explain that further?
Yes! Scripture provides us with a standard. It says that we should be constantly conforming to become more ‘holy’ and like Jesus. In 1 Peter 1:15-17 it says “But just as He who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do, for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.” Since you call on a Father who judges each man’s work impartially, live your lives in reverent fear during your temporary stay on earth.…”. That’s the standard I’m talking about.
Isn’t conforming a bad thing?
Its important to realise that ‘conformity’ has acquired so many negative connotations.
However, the difference now is that we are no longer conforming to the expectations we set ourselves, but instead to those that are found in Scripture. If we are conforming to how the Bible teaches us to live then we are living in the way that God has created us to live. Thats a great thing!
Holiness is a really high standard… surely that’s even more pressure right?
I get what you mean, but don’t think so. Christianity isn’t a tick box exercise, it’s about a relationship with God. God calls us to be holy because then we can savour and enjoy the relationship more. But God is also so forgiving and covers us with his grace and mercy – he makes up for where our ‘holiness’ is lacking. Jesus is the one who is my holiness, I’m just claiming that as his child. The pressure is to be closer to him, not to act out the “perfect life”.
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