Category: Relationships

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One of the team at the True Story Project interviewed a couple, ‘Adam’ and ‘Eve’, who have been married for over 20 years! They’ve been Christians for absolutely ages and Jesus has played the biggest part in their story together right from the start. We asked them a bunch of questions about their experience of dating, marriage and any advice they thought would be helpful for young people to hear.

How have relationships changed from when you started dating to now? Are there any big differences? If so, what would you say is a helpful way to deal with these differences?

Eve: The big difference between then and now is social media – we only had phone calls and letters!

Adam: Yes, absolutely. As a result, we see a different intensity these days in relationships. If you aren’t responding to that message then that person might not you think you care! There is this crazy intensity about it. I don’t know how you quite deal with that, but before you are committing to a person it’s really important to make sure you know where you are with them.

Eve: That’s the key, there is a natural heightening of intensity when you’ve committed yourself and when you decide that this is the route you want to go down. Until you get to that point, it’s probably not best to feed intensity through social media. Practically, I think it means that communication probably shouldn’t be all day, every day.

What sort of things did you look for in a partner? What would you say to others looking for a partner?

Eve: A really important thing for us has been our friendship. Especially on a spiritual level as well.

Adam: Relationships that grow out of friendship have strengths to it. First and foremost, you know you get on and that’s a massive help!

Eve: Aside from friendship, sharing similar life-goals was really helpful for us. If you are marrying someone who doesn’t share your life goal it’s going to cause problems.

Adam: That’s why Paul says don’t get unevenly yoked with non-believers. It’s not just a life goal that is different, it’s the fundamental purpose of what your life is. Life is about growing in God, enjoying him, pursuing him and trying to honour him with our lives, if that isn’t what your shared goal is then it’ll be difficult for you.

Eve: That’s where we were at and how we always felt, and it becomes and underpinning strength to your relationship. So whatever else is going on, that’s where you are always at. To be frank, if you don’t have a shared Christian worldview and a love for Jesus – even if that person says they are a Christian – there is a sense of being unequally yoked.

Adam: You want to find someone who shares the same spiritual passions, has a heart for people, has a desire to pursue God’s ways, a real love for his word, and all those kinds of things. That makes a big difference.

What would you say to someone who is in a relationship i.e. what should they work towards, and how should they work towards it?

Eve: Well the process different for everyone. We were friends for a year before we got to the point where we both realised there was something more than just feelings of friendship. At that point we had a conversation about dating and decided that we were going to date with a view to get married. So it was always in our minds that we would be getting married.

Adam: We also did pray together quite early on that God would close the door if he didn’t want this.

Eve: It’s different for different people. It depends on your age, background, whether you have become a Christian later in life etc…, all of that makes a difference in how you approach things.

Adam: It’s a really interesting conversation to have as friends, “what is this person’s perspective on marriage and the purpose of it?” It sounds bizarre, but why not? Why not want to understand where that person is at in terms of what they think life is about and what marriage is for. If you are lined up on those things then you can both be working towards it together.

Eve: I think then it’s a case of making sure your relationship has a foundation that is about the Lord. Also, that you are praying together and talking together. I guess everyone moves towards it at their own speed. For us it was relatively quick.

Finally, You have spoken a lot about prayer and seeking God, what does that look like day-to-day?

Eve: For me it was important to have somebody who was initiating our reading God’s word together and asking how I was doing spiritually. If he wasn’t looking out for me spiritually, then alarm bells would be going! It’s also important to remember that that dynamic is going to look different for different people.

Adam: There is a kindred spirit there, I would say over the years Eve has been the bedrock for me spiritually – you are more spiritual than I am. And that has been a keeping and helping hand for me. We are both different in the way we go about our Christian lives, but we just had a massive compatibility of a heart towards what we want.

Eve: That’s the key thing. It not a checklist of when and where you have been asked about your spiritual health. We just used to talk about the Lord all the time! You can tell in their conversation that they are excited about Jesus. Either He is in your conversation because he’s in your heart and that’s what life is about for you, or he is on the periphery.

Thanks for taking the time out to chat to us and for sharing a bit of your story and perspective on this big topic!

It was so amazing to speak to this couple and really have the chance to discover how Jesus plays the biggest part in their relationship. There is a lot of wisdom in sitting and listening to those who have gone before us and walked a path we have not. Here at the ‘True Story Project’ we really value these moments to talk and hear about the actual effect that Jesus has in people’s lives. We believe Jesus is not a story or a fictional character. He is someone who is alive and real, and who wants a relationship with you!  

What’s your take on relationships? Do you agree with Adam and Eve’s perspective? What would be the advice you would give?

Let us know – email, comment, or message us! If you found this helpful, go ahead and share with your friends!

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I am single. I always have been.

Does that mean I’m unloved? Does that mean I’m unsuccessful in some way? Does it mean I’m a failure or that I’m somehow less human? Am I abnormal? Is something wrong with me?

Lots of my friends are in relationships. Some seem to jump from one to another like they’re trying on a different set of clothes. Others have been with their partners for years, and don’t look like they’ll ever change. Others go through relationship breakdowns and it’s not pretty.  Relationships become a huge part of who people are. For me, being single is a fairly big part of my life. It doesn’t form my identity though.

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The experience of being single can be pretty miserable at times. Your friends have someone to call and talk to and be with. Meanwhile, you’re there scrolling through films to watch on the internet. You see couples going for walks together and having a great time. You’re there listening to music or reading a book. You can feel really alone, sad or even empty.

I struggle with this sometimes. It’s difficult if you want to talk through an issue with somebody, or just talk about how tough your day’s been. Unless you have a really good support network of friends it is easily to feel out on a limb without help.

Sometimes church relationships just don’t cut it in the same way, either. You’re so focused on ‘doing church’ that you leave out the important supportive relationships you can build there. Seeing happy couples who are in love with the Lord and with each other at a worship service or a fellowship lunch just helps drive the loneliness knife even deeper.

I guess it’s ok to be lonely when you’re single. It’s natural. God didn’t make us to be alone. Regardless of our relationship status, we are called to be in a relationship with him. That’s part of the great Gospel story: God became one of us so we could be in a relationship with him.

When Jesus became human, it wasn’t so He could be aloof from us. He became one of us to draw us to Himself. He spent lots of time alone. He was abandoned in a lot of His friendships and relationships.  His family thought He was mad and tried to keep Him from what He was called to do. The night before He was crucified, the time in His life when if He had ever needed support it was then, all His friends abandoned Him. One of His closest friends even denied that he knew Him.

After all that, in the middle of excruciating pain, Jesus felt the abandonment and loneliness of having His Father turn away His face. Jesus gets it when we feel lonely. He understands the pain and sorry. It’s one of the reasons why He has promised never to leave us or to abandon us.

For me, there are a number of reasons why I have never been in a relationship. I don’t think I have ever met the right person. (Or if I have, it hasn’t been the right time.) I’m in no rush. There are plenty of other things for me to be getting on with. My singleness means I am free to attend a Bible study, to support my local church and to go and visit friends and family without feeling like I’m leaving someone out. Sure, it would be nice to have someone to share all these experiences with sometimes, but what God has called me to for now is more than just feeling lonely and sorry for myself. He’s given me good stuff to be getting on with, and he’s given me a great satisfaction that comes from doing his will and from following him as he leads me.

The important thing has always been being sure of my identity and knowing who it is that God has called me to be. Jesus became human, put himself through all the trouble of being part of a human family and of falling out with his friends and then (on top of all the problems that come with being human) he gave up his life for me. If I always felt the need to be ‘in a relationship’, then I think I would be missing something.

My worth is not based in my relationship status, but it is rooted in being loved. Singleness is not my identity, but it is where I’m at right now, and that’s ok. God loves me regardless, and that’s more than enough for me.

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Interview
Deeper: The Backstory

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You seem to link identity with relationship status. How important are these two things?

Both are hugely important. We are relational beings and are always (perceive ourselves?) in relation to something: the floor beneath us, the people we work with, our family of origin, the God who made us, etc. (Whether it is a good relationship or a mutual one is beside the point.) Who we are is not so fixed. I find my identity is most stable in its relation to Jesus. Other people might try and find that in popular culture or in celebrity fashions or in books. I think identity has to be linked to personhood, and to find our true selves we have to believe in something bigger. Jesus is a true identity, and a real person who wants relationship with us. To me, that is one of the most incredible things imaginable.

Do you think there are any good examples of singlehood (or of being in a relationship) in the Bible?

Joseph and Mary’s relationship is an incredible story. Imagine having the pressure of bringing up the Son of God! At every point, they followed God’s leading and things turned out ok in the end. Jesus was single. I guess enough said on that front.

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Interview
Deeper: The Backstory

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You seem to link identity with relationship status. How important are these two things?

Both are hugely important. We are relational beings and are always (perceive ourselves?) in relation to something: the floor beneath us, the people we work with, our family of origin, the God who made us, etc. (Whether it is a good relationship or a mutual one is beside the point.) Who we are is not so fixed. I find my identity is most stable in its relation to Jesus. Other people might try and find that in popular culture or in celebrity fashions or in books. I think identity has to be linked to personhood, and to find our true selves we have to believe in something bigger. Jesus is a true identity, and a real person who wants relationship with us. To me, that is one of the most incredible things imaginable.

Do you think there are any good examples of singlehood (or of being in a relationship) in the Bible?

Joseph and Mary’s relationship is an incredible story. Imagine having the pressure of bringing up the Son of God! At every point, they followed God’s leading and things turned out ok in the end. Jesus was single. I guess enough said on that front.

[/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][/et_pb_section][et_pb_section bb_built=”1″ fullwidth=”off” specialty=”off”][et_pb_row][et_pb_column type=”4_4″][et_pb_blog fullwidth=”off” include_categories=”35893,35898″ show_more=”on” show_author=”off” show_pagination=”off” _builder_version=”3.0.92″ header_font=”|300|||||||” header_font_size=”22px” header_line_height=”1.3em” custom_padding=”|||” saved_tabs=”all” show_content=”off” show_thumbnail=”on” show_date=”on” show_categories=”on” show_comments=”on” use_dropshadow=”off” use_overlay=”off” background_layout=”light” pagination_font_size_tablet=”51″ pagination_line_height_tablet=”2″ posts_number=”3″]
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[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”3.0.47″][et_pb_row _builder_version=”3.0.47″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”3.0.47″ parallax=”off” parallax_method=”on”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”3.0.92″]There’s a lot that could be said. In reality, it was just really sad and hurtful. I had been betrayed and I felt like everything I had worked so hard to fix had just come crumbling down.

Part of my problem is that I don’t let things go easily. This should have ended months earlier, and yet here I was at the end of a long, broken process still trying to make things work. I don’t know why it took me so long to let go. Maybe it was my pride, maybe I felt like it was my duty. In my mind, if I could just fix things and take her out of her situation then it would all be okay – it would have this fairytale ending. Then life would really begin and the doubters would be proved wrong.
[/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ fullwidth=”on” _builder_version=”3.0.47″][et_pb_fullwidth_image src=”https://truestoryproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Breakup-wide.jpg” _builder_version=”3.0.92″][/et_pb_fullwidth_image][/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”3.0.47″][et_pb_row _builder_version=”3.0.47″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”3.0.47″ parallax=”off” parallax_method=”on”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”3.0.92″]The real problem was that we were both broken people trying to make each other our escape. I had built up this idea in my mind that I was her only hope for something better. So when things got rough I felt like it was my duty to forgive, and I did. It’s just those feelings of betrayal were never properly dealt with and eventually our relationship became a spiralling cycle of suspicion and doubt. Then, it was all over.

My family and my friends supported me, but really they were all relieved. Even I felt a burden had been lifted. The months after were long and often times confusing. I was left with a lot of questions. Was it my fault? Did I try to hold on for too long? What had I wasted? Where was God in all this? I spent a lot of time talking things through and reflecting. This was painful and at times overwhelming, but it was also immensely healing. I began to realise that I had been so consumed by this relationship that I had sidelined God. For too long my priorities centred around me and my relationship, instead of around God and his love for me. In seeking a temporary love, I had lost sight of the eternal love of God.

At one point I just stopped. I held everything I had with open hands and asked him to have it all. The thing is with God is that he faithful. Looking back I realised that even when I had sidelined him, he was still there waiting to catch me when I fell, waiting to fix me when I was broken. He works all things together for good. His timing is perfect.

A broken heart sewn back together by the Father leaves no trace of the stitching. He is in the business of complete restoration. I was a new creation. My relationships changed for the better. I could be honest and real with people. I began to regain quality time with my friends. Within a matter of weeks a close friend faced a long, difficult personal situation and I could be there for him, and he could be there for me. I also began to be more open and vulnerable with family about how I felt and that was such a relief to the emotional load I had been trying to bear myself. I had time to pursue God. I read the Bible through for the first time and fell completely in love with God again – it was like I had been reborn. My whole perspective on life shifted towards one where God was at the centre.

The year after became the most transformative and important year of my life. I learnt new things about myself and other people. I dealt with the pain and hurt. I found a love for prayer and Scripture. I began to better navigate my own personal challenges. I started to understand the importance of putting God first. I became determined to hold my life out with open hands. I learnt a dependence and trust in Him that I otherwise would never have known.

There is no easy route for breakups. They are deeply sad and painful. But God gives us reason to hope. There is no limit to his faithfulness. There are no constraints to his love.
[/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”3.0.92″][et_pb_row disabled_on=”on|on|off” _builder_version=”3.0.92″ use_background_color_gradient=”on” background_color_gradient_start=”#ffffff” background_color_gradient_end=”#25b2b3″ background_color_gradient_direction=”270deg” background_color_gradient_start_position=”53%” background_color_gradient_end_position=”0%” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” module_alignment=”left”][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”3.0.47″ parallax=”off” parallax_method=”on”][et_pb_text background_layout=”dark” _builder_version=”3.0.92″ text_font_size=”40px” text_line_height=”1.2em” custom_margin=”|20px||100px” custom_padding=”|20px||”]Interview
Deeper: The Backstory
[/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”3.0.47″ parallax=”off” parallax_method=”on”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”3.0.92″]What if I have really messed up and hurt someone?

I guess it depends on the situation and how you’ve wronged them. It’s important to be humble and recognise that your mistakes can have some big consequences. Sometimes you just have to humbly accept the consequences and respect their way of resolving the issue, even if it’s not what you want. Ask God for wisdom, be genuinely repentant, seek forgiveness and reconciliation if possible, give them the time to figure out what they want to do, and also respect their decision on what they feel is the right next step.

I am very hurt from a previous relationship how do I deal with it?

There is no easy answer to this and hurt is not something that goes away quickly. Often it can be easy to keep it to yourself, but doing that just makes it worse. I think though that there are steps you can take which make this easier. Practically, I think a lot of relief comes from being vulnerable with people that you trust. So talk to God about it – He knows what rejection, betrayal and hurt feels like. Find a good friend who will listen and help you work through what’s happened and how you are feeling. Also write down your feelings so that they are there in front of you on paper – this should give you some clarity needed to navigate your feelings.

I also think perspective/hindsight is super helpful. Hindsight and perspective go hand in hand, and personally, after time, gaining some perspective was really helpful in dealing with hurt. Perspective gives you a look at the big picture. It helps you see how God is faithful and in control and what he’s been doing in you. God has great plans for you and perspective enables you to see them a little clearer. In all the emotional turmoil and hurt, knowing that God had a purpose and a plan really gave me peace. Sanctus Real in their song “Whatever You’re Doing” sum it up nicely:

“Whatever you’re doing inside of me

It feels like chaos but I believe

You’re up to something bigger than me

Larger than life something heavenly”

How can I get the healing you mentioned?

Again, there is no blueprint to this, but there is one thing that really helps. God has made us to be relational, and so when a relationship becomes broken it’s really sad and painful. But God has also first and foremost designed us to be in relationship with him. So that’s where I would turn to first – put your heart, soul and mind into your relationship with him. Take time to pray and read his Word, learn to delight in and treasure Him. God alone provides real joy and true satisfaction. From personal experience, He brings a deep healing that nothing and nobody else can bring.

“He heals the brokenhearted and bind up their wounds.

He determines the number of stars and calls them each by name.

Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit.”

Psalm 147:3-5
[/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][et_pb_row disabled_on=”off|off|on” _builder_version=”3.0.92″ background_color_gradient_direction=”270deg” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” module_alignment=”center”][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”3.0.47″ parallax=”off” parallax_method=”on”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”3.0.92″ text_font_size=”40px” text_text_color=”#25b2b3″ text_line_height=”1.2em” custom_margin=”|||0px” custom_padding=”|20px||”]Interview
Deeper: The Backstory
[/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”3.0.47″ parallax=”off” parallax_method=”on”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”3.0.92″]What if I have really messed up and hurt someone?

I guess it depends on the situation and how you’ve wronged them. It’s important to be humble and recognise that your mistakes can have some big consequences. Sometimes you just have to humbly accept the consequences and respect their way of resolving the issue, even if it’s not what you want. Ask God for wisdom, be genuinely repentant, seek forgiveness and reconciliation if possible, give them the time to figure out what they want to do, and also respect their decision on what they feel is the right next step.

I am very hurt from a previous relationship how do I deal with it?

There is no easy answer to this and hurt is not something that goes away quickly. Often it can be easy to keep it to yourself, but doing that just makes it worse. I think though that there are steps you can take which make this easier. Practically, I think a lot of relief comes from being vulnerable with people that you trust. So talk to God about it – He knows what rejection, betrayal and hurt feels like. Find a good friend who will listen and help you work through what’s happened and how you are feeling. Also write down your feelings so that they are there in front of you on paper – this should give you some clarity needed to navigate your feelings.

I also think perspective/hindsight is super helpful. Hindsight and perspective go hand in hand, and personally, after time, gaining some perspective was really helpful in dealing with hurt. Perspective gives you a look at the big picture. It helps you see how God is faithful and in control and what he’s been doing in you. God has great plans for you and perspective enables you to see them a little clearer. In all the emotional turmoil and hurt, knowing that God had a purpose and a plan really gave me peace. Sanctus Real in their song “Whatever You’re Doing” sum it up nicely:

“Whatever you’re doing inside of me

It feels like chaos but I believe

You’re up to something bigger than me

Larger than life something heavenly”

How can I get the healing you mentioned?

Again, there is no blueprint to this, but there is one thing that really helps. God has made us to be relational, and so when a relationship becomes broken it’s really sad and painful. But God has also first and foremost designed us to be in relationship with him. So that’s where I would turn to first – put your heart, soul and mind into your relationship with him. Take time to pray and read his Word, learn to delight in and treasure Him. God alone provides real joy and true satisfaction. From personal experience, He brings a deep healing that nothing and nobody else can bring.

“He heals the brokenhearted and bind up their wounds.

He determines the number of stars and calls them each by name.

Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit.”

Psalm 147:3-5
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Honestly, I was never obsessed with having a boyfriend or being in a relationship. I was always aware that it probably would happen one day, but it didn’t feature on my priority list. My parents separated when I was 15 and  I wanted to make sure that it would never happen to me. I wanted to be 100% sure on my future partner. As a Christian teenager I was told that I needed to pray for my future partner, so I did. The problem was that I didn’t really know what I was doing. All I wanted was someone to love me and treat me well, which makes sense right? But I didn’t take into consideration what God wanted.

In my late teens I started dating a few guys and too quickly became romantically involved with them. On top of that, my relationship with God wasn’t great. I was angry and hurt by my parent’s mistakes and that made me crave intimacy. I was once praying about this guy I was seeing, and I remember so vividly God telling me ‘No, get out!’. However, I was so angry with God that I didn’t listen and continued on with the relationship. In the end, I wound up hurt and even more broken than I already was. This process was became the same old story, repeating itself until I finally encountered the love of God.

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Have you ever heard the phrase ‘Smile, Jesus Loves You!’? I know I have a million times, but I never really understood the extent of what it meant to be fully loved by Him. When I was seventeen I attended a conference my church ran, and there I encountered the love of Jesus for the first time. I had a vision of God walking into my life and physically hugging me. His love was too powerful that I couldn’t hold myself for long. It was then I finally understood the song ‘How He Loves’ which has that powerful verse ‘He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy’. The “same old process” came to and end and since then I’ve been just falling in love with and discovering new depths of intimacy with my Father. Because of this new intimacy I was no longer this needy, hurt, little girl but instead someone who understood that she had a Father who only wanted what was best for her.

So then, fast forward a few years later to when I met my now fiancé. This time was completely different. We were two people who were staying in our lanes, running after Jesus who brought us together. For the first time, I could see that God was at the centre and leading us closer, but always leading each other to Him. Trust me, it’s not always been easy – where love is there must be a sacrifice of yourself just like Jesus gave himself on the cross. But God is a good, good father and we are on the most incredible journey of love with Him. So even when it’s tough, by keeping Him at the centre, I’ve learnt to trust Him in everything because He loves me more than I could ever know.

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Interview
Deeper: The Backstory

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You said you and your fiancé were ‘staying in your lanes’. What does that mean?

Hebrews 12:1-2 says about how we should run our race that is set before us looking unto Jesus. If you have ever ran a race then you know that need to keep in your lane so you don’t knock into other people. We were staying in our lanes, running towards Jesus.

What is the point in relationships?

Firstly, your overall happiness shouldn’t be the point in your relationships. You have to be happy without each other first. My fiancé and I would be perfectly happy without each other but God brought us together for a reason. I guess the point then would be to be a help to each other to accomplish God’s work together.

I feel like I’m unsure about a relationship. How do I know what God wants?

It’s simple really, just pray and ask God. If that is too simple then do what I did: Before my fiancé and I got together I prayed for a long time and I asked God to close the door and shut down the relationship if it was wrong. He didn’t, but instead I saw incredible growth and favour on us together. Just be cautious and not get too involved emotionally until you have the go ahead from God, He knows what’s best for you!

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Interview
Deeper: The Backstory

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You said you and your fiancé were ‘staying in your lanes’. What does that mean?

Hebrews 12:1-2 says about how we should run our race that is set before us looking unto Jesus. If you have ever ran a race then you know that need to keep in your lane so you don’t knock into other people. We were staying in our lanes, running towards Jesus.

What is the point in relationships?

Firstly, your overall happiness shouldn’t be the point in your relationships. You have to be happy without each other first. My fiancé and I would be perfectly happy without each other but God brought us together for a reason. I guess the point then would be to be a help to each other to accomplish God’s work together.

I feel like I’m unsure about a relationship. How do I know what God wants?

It’s simple really, just pray and ask God. If that is too simple then do what I did: Before my fiancé and I got together I prayed for a long time and I asked God to close the door and shut down the relationship if it was wrong. He didn’t, but instead I saw incredible growth and favour on us together. Just be cautious and not get too involved emotionally until you have the go ahead from God, He knows what’s best for you!

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