Anxiety – TRUE STORY

Anxiety: Throwback

May 25, 2018May 25, 2018 True Story

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[dropcap]I[/dropcap] have been following Christ since I was 16, and I’m now 48. I have suffered much for my commitment, in most of the ways available in the UK – so I haven’t yet been imprisoned or received physical violence, as Christians do throughout the world today and have throughout our history; but I have had my work, career, finances, family, personal life and long-term health severely damaged simply for following Christ. I have had multiple reasons to be very anxious as a Christian, and many of my continuing health problems are recovery from past anxieties.

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I have found enormous encouragement from the Beatitudes, in all these situations. Before he faced his ultimate test, our Lord made these extraordinary promises to his followers: eight (debatably nine) times he places before us the life that he and his followers would lead, with all its discomforts, longings and sacrifices, and every time he places a sunny promise: that the faithful Father will come through for us, with the opposite of the world’s expectations. The humble, the mournful, the gentle, the serious, the merciful, the innocent, the risk-takers, the persecuted, the insulted and excluded – those, in other words, like him – will experience possession, comfort, inheritance, fulfilment, mercy, intimacy, vindication and reward. But not now. As he modelled this painful journey, all the way to the cross and then beyond it, he calls us to follow him along the same path, experiencing death and resurrection repeatedly, and usually with an increasing intensity as we mature.

The Psalms were his prayer book on this journey, giving him the words to speak to his Father, even when he was at the extreme limit of his personal suffering. I have found the Psalms a huge comfort: they give us permission to complain, to cry, to feel depressed or discouraged, as well as reminding us to praise. Their constant rhythm, like Christ’s own life and ours with him, is of intimidation and threats; high levels of anxiety; then God’s deliverance and new resurrections. There are good times when no threat is in view, and past troubles are forgotten; bad times when the Psalmist feels overwhelmed; times of remembering past deliverance; and times of living by faith in future deliverance.

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Kierkegaard called anxiety ‘the giddiness of hope’. Sometimes people experience intense anxiety not because their dreams are denied, but because they are in sight of being fulfilled. When the depths of our desires are touched upon, we are often more vulnerable than when they are completely out of sight. We feel stable at the top of the cycle, and at the bottom; but we are most anxious going up and coming down!

What is able to steady us is the permanency of God’s character, and the reliability of everything he says and does. As we mature in faith, instead of living 90% in the present and 10% in the eternal certainties, we slowly shift that percentage. Mature Christians have a palpable, permanent, unassailable joy because they live above 50% eternal. My aim in life is to live before God’s permanence, and beyond anxiety.

Christ experienced tremendous joy, despite the immense pressures and tensions of his recorded ministry, because he was already mature in knowing his Father. Like the Psalmist in 22, for example, he could experience powerful suffering and yet still rise up to praise his Father. The standing injustices of the Roman occupation; growing opposition of the Jewish authorities; the persistent childishness of the Twelve; the sense of a limited time window to complete everything; the limits of his ministry to Israel coupled with Israel’s self-destructiveness; all would have driven a lesser man mad. He needed thirty years with his Father just to be ready for this! He learnt to cast his cares on ‘Abba’.

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I know Christian leaders who could hear the most terrible and disturbing news, yet shrug it off and laugh, because they know their Father. We fret over the most trivial things, when there is a whole ocean of significance we have yet to glimpse. We were made for significance, for sacrifice, for heroism; and our fiction constantly reminds us of this heroic imprint on our spirits. Read about Jonah, his bush and his city!

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We have a kind Father who is prepared to let us suffer and struggle, within limits, to discover that deeper vein of heroism within ourselves. This is the image of God, in which we were made. He is kind enough to educate us, to draw out this resemblance, this greatness from us. He has presented us with his Son, who is our central, relatable model of how he is, and what he intended when he created our humanity.

I love the quote by Francis Bacon, Lord Chancellor under James I, a great English prose writer and a Christian prophet: in his Essays, he writes: ‘Surely it is heaven upon earth to have a mind move in charity, rest in quietness, and turn upon the poles of truth.’ Make it an aim!

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Anxiety

Anxiety & Personality

May 18, 2018May 18, 2018 True Story

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[dropcap]A[/dropcap]nxiety is something that I experience often. I remember taking a personality quiz with my brother one time, and I put myself down as very emotional (or emotionally changeable or something like that). I showed it to him, and he seemed very surprised that I had put that down. One thing that can feed this anxiety is the thought of what other people think about my anxiousness. I think that sometimes it is displayed around me for all to see. Clearly not!

I do a lot of introspection (perhaps too much) and so I’ve realised that there are certain things that make me anxious or nervous. Standing up in front of adults and giving a presentation – this is sometimes part of my job. Talking with people, especially strangers can be very daunting – I often feel I have nothing to offer or to say of much value or interest. I am surrounded by intelligent friends for whom the art of conversation seems to flow freely and unreservedly. Another thing is the fear of the future. I think most people go through this. I have a certain standard that I measure myself against and I often fall short of it.

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This fosters shame and a sense of being good for nothing. I am acutely aware of certain things I do that I know to be wrong, but still do anyway. Viewing online pornography for instance. There we go! Not a nice word to hear on a Christian site I know. All these thoughts flood my mind and the accuser (the devil) does his work of condemning very well indeed. Anxiety, depression, and judgement fill my mind. “You were raised better than this!”, “Look at you! Call yourself a Christian?”. I take the bait. “What good can come of me?” I might say to myself.

I believe I am right to examine myself. Paul says in his letters that we should do this. He also says that there is now no condemnation to those who are in Christ. If I think about the future two verses come to mind. “The Lord provides according to his riches in glory”, and “Many plans does man have, but the Lord directs his steps”. I was reading recently in the book of Matthew, Chapter 11, “Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

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The last verse I want to bring to the forefront are the words of Christ where he says, “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?” (Luke 12:25-31)

It’s easy to quote, but difficult to live. The beauty of Christ – that I am learning – is that we can deal with these issues. Actually, they are already dealt with at the cross and now it’s my turn to take up my cross. What does that mean? It means facing full on the reality of my fallen nature and sin, and despite this live by God’s grace which transforms me into the image of Christ with a total lack of condemnation. I fully expect victory in my life because that’s what Christ promises. I expect to conquer these anxieties and fears. In fact, I am already.

To those with more fears and questions than answers I would repeat the words of Jesus

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“And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.”

Luke 11:9-10

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Anxiety

Anxiety – A Cruel Master

May 11, 2018October 10, 2018 True Story

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[dropcap]A[/dropcap]nxiety is a strange thing, and a cruel master. Often, it’s invisible to others, lying just below the surface yet very much in control. Crippling, suffocating, overwhelming – all adjectives I would use to describe this epidemic that seems to have gripped our generation, and something I have experienced first hand. My battle with anxiety has been for as long as I can remember. When I go back and read diaries or prayer journals from when I was a little girl, and they are laced with fearful thoughts and anxious prayers. Since then my relationship with God has grown into the most important aspect of my life and the compass by which I try to make all my decisions.

This being said, I still find myself battling the same anxiety and fear of the future. I can see the pattern of God’s teaching and I can’t help but feel incredibly frustrated with myself. Why can’t I learn? Why do I struggle over and over again with the very same thing, the very same fears, the very same anxious thoughts and patterns?

Anxiety is a difficult thing to understand. I think it’s different for many people and evidences itself in so many different ways. I can’t help looking back on it and thinking its irrational. I have everything I could ever need! I’ve had what many people would call an easy life and yet so often I’ve felt completely hopeless to the point where life is so frightening that I don’t want to live it anymore. The future and what lies ahead in my life has always seemed to cause my anxiety. Most recently, this has manifested itself when I made some important decisions about my future and the route my life might take. The weight of it all and the pressure became too much. Once again, I witnessed myself falling into a pit of anxiety and crippling fear that I couldn’t seem to control. My anxiety wasn’t just a prominent part of my life – it was dictating it.

And yet, in what seemed to be a discouraging, hopeless story of cyclical fear, came the light – I experienced Jesus and His unfathomable love. I’ve found that it is at my lowest points, when no one else could understand the fear or emptiness, that Jesus speaks to and encourages me. Then I am able to truly feel what it is like to hide in the shelter of His wings – to be held, to be seen and to be understood. There are so many Psalms and verses in the Bible that speak of peace and comfort and not being afraid. These have become deeply personal words of comfort in my life.

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The anxiety that I have struggle with, has taught me many important things. One important lesson is that I am completely dependent on God. This is a humbling, painful and uncomfortable realisation to have. To truly realise this is to come to the end of oneself. This is terrifying place to be, but Jesus calls us to strive for dependence on him. “Dependence on God” is the place where we all need to be, but it’s often a messy process getting there. It’s a process of kneeling, tears and humbling human frailty. It is a place of surrender – “God, I can’t do this on my own, I need You.”

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In these moments I experience Jesus and His power in the most intimate way.

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“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

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I know the reality of Paul’s words and it is a beautiful thing to come to realise. I can delight in my human weakness because through it Christ’s power is evidenced more fully in me.

I wish I was writing this knowing that, because of what God has revealed to me, anxiety has no hold on me anymore. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. My human nature, personality and subconscious desire for self-sufficiency and control, means that I continue to wrestle with fear and anxiety about the future each day. My story is still being written and many lessons lie ahead, but in this world of uncertainty I can be totally sure of Him: He knows, He cares, He carries, and “underneath are His everlasting arms.” (Deuteronomy 33:27)

Note from the True Story Project editorial team: If any of the topics discussed in this or other True Story articles touch you, feel free to write to us.
If you are struggling with depression, however severe, please be aware that there is always medical help available on the NHS.

A free hotline (116 123) operated by the Samaritans is open 24/7, 365 to call and speak to a professional in confidence.

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Anxiety

Anxiety – An Ongoing Struggle

May 4, 2018 True Story

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[dropcap]I[/dropcap] guess everyone struggles with anxiety sometimes. It’s not always something you notice. Even if you’re aware of other people’s emotions, what they’re thinking about and what they’re stressed about don’t always show. Maybe they’re just very good at covering it up.

For me, I never really got anxious much until I was a teenager. Until then it was only little things. I had a pretty safe upbringing, and the only things I had to worry about were quite small in comparison to other people.

When I turned about 16, I started to lose that confidence a little bit. There were a lot of big decisions to make: do I ask that person out, what do I want to do when I grow up, where do I want to go to university…. It became too much for me. I took a summer job and I overworked myself. I took it to help someone else out and because I didn’t want to be a burden to my parents. I was desperate not to make a mistake, so I tried to do right by everyone while not really taking care to find out who I was or what it was I wanted to do. I was too busy pleasing everyone else to take the time out and destress me.

After I moved away from home, I really struggled with the pressure of everything. I became very anxious over just about everything: the flat where I was living, the work I had to do and just about everything else. I couldn’t afford where I was living without getting hugely into debt, so I started to compromise and to punish myself. I tried to live a really self-deprecating life, losing self-confidence at every turn. I wouldn’t dress properly because I felt like a fraud. I felt like people would judge me for being myself, so I tried to fade into the background. Daily life became a struggle.

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It reached the point where I couldn’t make a decision for myself. I would stress out so massively over really small things that I couldn’t decide what food to eat. I didn’t have the courage to speak to anyone or make new friends, and, as I was living in a new place at the time, I didn’t have my normal support group around me.

I started to withdraw. Even when people offered help or tried to reach out to me, I shrunk away and internalised everything. It wasn’t healthy.

Friends came and visited me. They tried to work out what was going on, why I wouldn’t speak to them any more, why I wasn’t smiling. I had become depressed, and the anxiety I felt about everything became overpowering.

The danger is to think that you’re the only one. It wasn’t until some time later that I realised just what a number of other people were going through at the same time. I don’t blame myself for not being able to take care of other people at that point in time – I could barely help myself. I do sometimes wonder, though, what good I could have done for those people.

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A big part of me losing my confidence was that I was losing my faith in God. I didn’t feel Him near me any more. I didn’t trust Him in the way I used to. I tried to take control of everything myself, and it really didn’t work.

Trying to do everything yourself is exhausting. When you try and make every decision a right one, you lose focus on the things that are really important. Life’s not all about getting the big decisions right all the time: it’s about doing what you can with what you’re given. God knows that, He’s a lot more gracious with you than you are with yourself sometimes.

Another danger is to think that no-one else can help. I believe in divine healing, but I only really started to make any progress after I began talking to a few people I trusted about my struggles. There is no shame in talking to someone about it.

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It’s in the moments when I’m alone that I really struggle. One way I try and cope then is to make sure that I have at least one meaningful conversation with a close friend every day. Prayer helps. Reading the Bible helps, but it’s ok to recognise that God has put other people in your life besides Him. It’s ok to ask for their help.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is put one foot in front of another. It’s natural to feel anxious about big decisions, or to worry that you’re making the right choice. God knows that. Jesus had to make an incredibly difficult choice in the Garden of Gethsemane. I’m really glad He chose the way He did. When He put Himself through the cross, it was because He knew what was coming after. The dark night of the soul doesn’t last forever. There will come a time when you look back and wonder what all the stress was about.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Don’t believe the lie that God isn’t there for you. Don’t make yourself guilty over what you feel. It’s all part of being human, and Jesus knows what that is like best of all. Ask Him to help you through, and draw from the healthy relationships He has placed you in. It will come to an end, and you will be glad that you persevered. He will be, too.

Note from the True Story editorial team: If any of the topics discussed in this or other True Story articles touch you, feel free to write to us.
If you are struggling with depression, however severe, please be aware that there is always medical help available on the NHS.

A free hotline (116 123) operated by the Samaritans is open 24/7, 365 to call and speak to a professional in confidence.

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